First Semester Portfolio- Piece I'd Like to Revise

One piece of my work that I would really like to revise would be my 12 sentence story, “Home Alone with a Tub of Butter”. This short story takes place about 7 years back. My siblings and I were home alone, and my littlest sister wandered off by herself. We later found her sitting in the middle of a huge mess she made with a tub of butter. I don’t think this story is as good as it could have been, because I was concentrating on making it 12 sentences causing it to not have very many details. I really like the topic of this story, and I think it could turn into a really good piece. However at the moment I don’t think everything flows together very well. My smiley face tricks aren’t very effective, and I think parts of it aren’t very interesting. If I had the chance to revise it I would change a few different things to make it better.


Story:

Who would have thought that normal evening about 6 years back could have gone so wrong? We certainly didn’t. My 4 of my siblings and I were home alone, when my youngest sister Maren asked us to play with her. My brother and sisters and I agreed and went down the hall to her room. We were playing stuffed animals, are voices and facial expressions changing for each different dog or cat, and everything was going fine. Although Maren left to go to the bathroom, all of us continued to play without her. After about 15 min we realized she had been gone for quite a while, so my siblings and I began searching the house from head to toe for her. After checking a few places she was finally found lounging in the middle of our living room. My siblings and I stood in front of her with an oh-no-what-are-we-going-to-do, horror struck look on our faces. Maren had found a tub of butter on the kitchen table, dragged it into the living room, and covered herself and a fairly large portion or the living room in it. Since our parents weren’t home, everyone did their best to clean up, and we were still scrubbing the stained blue carpet with all the elbow grease we had when our parents got home. Let’s just say that they rarely left us home along after that.